slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
It's weird to me to think of multitasking as something you can stop doing. I don't know that I'm capable of doing just one thing at a time.

So It Goes

Apr. 5th, 2010 01:40 pm
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
There are leaves beginning to happen on the tree outside my window. I can never quite understand why the leaf buds start out red-brown when what comes from them is green, but that's life for you.

Anyway, the sun is out again. It's warm enough to go without a jacket. The hornets are going to wake up soon. If I don't get it together I will miss my chance to ask maintenance to remove them. Then I'll have hornets to be contending with when I'm doing my garden stuff.

Today I got off to a slow start. Got up, puttered around. Read some fanfic. Then I decided, fuck it, I'm going to get something done. So I had breakfast and sat down with my planner and sorted out what I wanted to do today. Some of the plans changed as I was going along.

First I picked up the piles of stuff that had started to sprout back up around the apartment. I found homes for everything, wiped down the dining room table and put the trash in the trash. Then I emptied the dishwasher and put the dirty dishes in it. This is where I went off the track, but look at this, it was in a good way.

I noticed that the sink was filthy. There is a scum that develops on things when we leave them to stand in our tap water for too long; I'm not sure what it is, but it happens in the tub, it happens in the toilets, and it happens in the sink when we soak dishes. Some of it, I'm sure, is also food crud from the dishes we've been soaking. It smelled a little like mold and it was making me sneeze.

So instead of leaving the sink alone as I had intended, and going out to the park to read my library book, I filled up the sink with hot water and diluted some bleach in it. It has to sit for another two hours and I don't want Nigel to come home while I'm at the park and drain it too early, or put his hands in it unprotected, or something, so I'm staying here.

Then I moved some stuff out of the hall closet so I could drag the file cabinet into this room and put the plastic storage tubs of holiday decorations and whatnot into the closet instead. Moved the stuff, put everything back in the closet, except for one box--I had been wondering where the hell our other sheets were.

Then I moved the little side tables around in the living room to make room for another bookshelf, with the happy bonus of having something next to the armchair on which to set down a snack or a glass of water. Since I'm usually the one who sits in the chair, I'm not horribly worried about Nigel's general indifference to the existence of coasters; the coffee table is falling apart anyway, so I don't care if rings end up on it, but this little table is pretty nice.

I also went through my planner for the rest of the week and inserted some time each day to work on more stuff around the apartment. Even if I have to wait a while for the doctor to get me the prescription I need to go back on the amazing Ritalin LA, with things as nice as they are now, I think I can keep my head above water if I try.

Tomorrow is going to be dealing with all the paperwork. I have my file cabinet where I can get to it, and I know where the hanging file folders are; it's just a matter of deciding how to categorize everything and then dealing with it. Nigel has a bunch of old binders and crap in two of the drawers. I am going to consolidate it into one and make that his drawer (there are four). He can put the stuff in folders or leave it how it is. But the household stuff, like taxes and bills, that stuff is getting organized.


Apr. 5th, 2010 02:02 am
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
I have to give the medication some more time. I just fucking realized. Something else changed the same day I started it: I yanked the patch off my ass and am therefore experiencing the hormonal bullshit euphemistically known as PMS. I'm thinking I have to give it at least until Friday.

Still and all, I don't recall feeling this way the last time my ass was patchless, when I was on the LA. Anyway. Still got to check it out.


Apr. 5th, 2010 01:30 am
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)

Seriously though this medication--this shit is bad, bad badness. My fucking stepbrother and his wife and their child? THEIR HOUSE BURNED DOWN LAST WEEK. And I? I AM BOGGED DOWN IN MY OWN "PROBLEMS" LIKE WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME ON THE INTERNET. Because I am suddenly! Out of nowhere! As soon as I start taking the wrong fucking dose/formula of medication! Too depressed to think about anyone but myself! FMLLLLLLLLLLLL

And staying up too late again. And suddenly the piles of crap on and around my desk are sprouting up. SO CALLING THE DOCTOR TOMORROW YOU GUYS YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW thank fuck I saved that last Ritalin LA capsule so I will at least remember to do it.
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
Dropped Nigel off at work. Downloaded some free cross stitch patterns and took a nap. Washed hair. Filled out job application. Went to MRS appointment. Put gas in car. Picked Nigel up from work, where he insisted on taking me to Pizza Hut for going to my appointment--he had planned to do so yesterday after I went to the motivational group, because I hadn't wanted to go when we got up because I wasn't feeling well and also because the person who runs it does a lot of victim-blaming and talks about Jesus and food addiction more than this Wolf prefers to deal with, and in fact for these very reasons I did not go yesterday. Yesterday I took a day off from everything and sat on my arse because I really did not feel good.

But today I went to my appointment, and got to go to Pizza Hut.

Worked on the stocking I am cross stitching for Nigel. I didn't finish it in time for Christmas, obviously; I found the box it was in while organizing the craft closet and so I thought I had better pick it up again if I'm going to finish it in time for this Christmas.

Attempted to watch the first episode of Torchwood. Failed. Just cannot get into it. Gave it the old college try, but it's just not my thing. Not really into secret government agency dealing with aliens at the best of times, unless it's silly, and really the episode suffered from far too much Exposition Fairy. I think I got through about half an hour of it before I was just like, meh, fuck it.

Read some K/S fanfic. Watched The Emperor's New Groove if by "watched" you mean "sat in front of and listened to while cross stitching" and I do.

Realized that two of the pairs of jeans that I think of as fitting me really don't, so I effectively only have one pair of jeans.

Spent a bunch of time researching a container garden I will not have it together to plant this year, financially or otherwise. Partly because we haven't decided yet if we want to renew our lease or if we will try to move. Partly because I can't afford to be buying a bunch of pots and dirt, especially since there is other shit around the house that needs done first. It's all very well to say it's more cost-effective in the long run to grow, for instance, my own strawberries, but in reality that's only true if the food stamps pay for the pots, dirt and strawberry plants, which they don't.

Missed raid because the internet keeps failing and I thought I would be in bed long before now. Just cannot seem to feel like going to sleep. Possibly will turn lights down, listen to soothing music, make chamomile tea.
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
Made large pile of bags of trash to be taken out to the dumpster tomorrow before I leave for group. Sorted fabric pile into three boxes (scraps, things to cannibalize for other projects, projects in progress) and a basket (three pieces of uncut fabric). Moved boxes around in closet until I was happy with the setup. Went through much of feng shui book, sorted out ideal furniture placement, moved living room furniture to suit.

I'm gonna need some curtains, a rug, three mirrors and a couple standing plants. I'm thinking the standing plants should be fake because we have a bad track record of keeping plants alive. I also need a new desk and in other news the sky is blue. Oh, and a trash can for the computer/craft room. And something yellow to put on or near the apartment door.

Also I moved the wastebasket out of the money point in the bedroom. Heh.

Next: clean out my computer desk; forcibly organize Nigel's crap that is spread out all over the floor in front of the closet. Then it's a game of which room do I clean next, and I think it's gonna have to be the living room because I have made an enormous mess of it. Then the dining room, then the hall closet, then dusting and vacuuming like a mad fiend, then maybe I'll scrub the kitchen cabinets, put down contact paper in the ones I never got to, and clean out the refrigerator.

I'm not even going to talk about the refrigerator. You don't want to know how bad it is.

Then I'm going to finally organize (read: throw away most of) the various grooming products and related detritus that currently live on and around the bathroom sink. And scrub the sink. And throw away the non-working soap dispenser.

Oh, and figure out how I'm going to store my knitting needles. I have so many, I didn't even know, they've been buried under piles of stuff and stuck in projects I had abandoned, I didn't even realize. I need to figure out where I'm going to keep them and then, like, make little tags that I can attach with rubber bands or something to keep track of what sizes they are, because a lot of them don't have that printed on them anywhere.

Tonight, however, I need to curl up on the couch with my Heyer, because these books are due back in less than a month and a page here or there is not getting them read.
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
Day 14: Finished last box of yarn, labeled, put in closet. Sorted through all four or five of the boxes that were piled up behind the couch. About one box-full was books, one box-full was stuff of Nigel's, and the rest was basically trash. Just old paperwork that nobody gives a fuck about, you know? So that is all bagged up and tomorrow I will get through the piles of paperwork on the floor in here and take all the trash out. I have about four empty boxes that are ready to be filled with fabric, and there's a box that already has fabric and other sewing stuff in it in the closet that I can also use, and I think I may actually not use them all.

Did two loads of laundry. Didn't whine about it, just did it. Fed hamsters, went grocery shopping. Made a command decision: in order to avoid burning myself out on this cleaning thing, I am restricting my work on it to standard business hours, so at 5 or 6 in the evening I am done for the day. It's tough, I still feel like I should be working until it's all done, but if I don't take time to relax I'm going to wind up with exhaustion and then I'll be really screwed.

Two weeks on 10mg of Ritalin LA = one and a half rooms cleaned and organized. Considering what this place looked like to start with I call it a fucking miracle.

Time for dinner. More work tomorrow.
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
So I am not quite finished with the yarn. I thought I would be done with it by today, but the last box (hiding out-of-sight-out-of-mind behind the open door of my computer armoire) had a lot more in it than I had thought, and also both my parents called yesterday. And talked. For two hours. Each.

I am almost finished with the final box. I'm taking a break from it for a bit, partially because our oven overheats the apartment and I just want to sit still for a little while. And get away from the TV. Do you know there is almost nothing worthwhile on television these days? I am telling you what.

I watch It's Me or the Dog and I watch the Animal Cops and then there is a time-suck of home makeover stuff on HGTV and I am starting to tire of that shit because, seriously, even the "low-budget" whatever shows are for middle-class people, and people who own their homes. If they could show me how to transform my space for free, I would be more interested. Also a lot of the stuff they do is just plain tacky. Lucite dining chairs? Even my broke ass knows better than that.

But anyway. So I am almost done with the yarn, after which I will Deal With the piles of paper trash (magazines, old junk mail, wrapping shit from the Victoria's Secret underwear my sister gave me for my birthday) that has been mixed in with the piles of yarn this whole time (strata of the sediment of my life--put down today's mail, put down the knitting, put down the cross stitch, put down another day's mail...) and also the boxes of just random crap that we were packing at the last minute on moving day, literally just throwing shit into boxes without looking at it because we didn't have time. And this is shit that has been boxed up underneath yarn and fabric for the nine months we have lived here, I know some of it is going to just get thrown away. But there are books in there too. And this weird wrought-iron wall hanging contraption with a pointy glass vase-looking thing that fits into it and some tacky looking crystals hanging off it that someone gave us for our wedding. Seriously, what the fuck do I do with this thing. I don't even know.

So I will figure out what to do with all that crap and find homes for it. And I don't mind telling you, I already know we will need another bookcase. I already have one box-full of books just piled up on the hearth because there is nowhere to put them. And that's because A) one bookcase was damaged in the move and B) Nigel wouldn't let me bring the extra one my dad has been keeping because he was afraid it wouldn't fit in the truck. (It totally would have.)

But so we need another one. I'm hoping to find one at Goodwill for cheap and avoid the throwing-down-the-toilet of money that is buying cheap particle board crap at Walmart. Because it doesn't last, it looks like crap and it's heavier than solid wood.

Come to think of it, if I can find a decent desk there too maybe [ profile] aprilmayinjune or her friend Danielle will let me haul the current armoire monstrosity out to one of their houses, light it on fire, and dance around it singing hallelujah.

Anyway! After all of that is sorted out I should have some empty boxes (that don't have the bottoms falling out like the one I narrowly avoided putting yarn in yesterday) that I can store fabric in. And once the fabric is boxed up and labeled, I will dust and vacuum this room. Oh it will be glorious.

And then I will go down the lists on the yarn box labels and catalog my stash in Ravelry. What a novel idea!

Then I can't decide if I should start working on the living room, the dining room or the hall closet next. If I do the living room I will then have more space to spread out the crap that is currently piled in the other two locations, but if I do the hall closet I will have room to store the stuff I need to find homes for, like this giant plastic tote of Christmas decorations that sits behind me and has been sitting behind me for who knows how long.

Also I need to get Nigel to either stop trying to convince me not to buy picture hanging thingies or tell me where he has hidden the ones he allegedly already bought.

Also also, tomorrow I cannot forget to get my measuring tape back out of my purse (where it lives now for clothes shopping purposes) and figure out the dimensions of this bedspread I keep meaning to knit. And the throw pillows I plan to knit. And the curtains I plan to buy. Et cetera, et cetera.
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
So yeah, I haven't been using my computer much recently. My ass has been untangling yarn, winding it into neat balls, putting the balls in boxes and (zomg) labeling them with lists of their contents so I will actually (gasp!) know where the hell things are.

You guys, I have found so many sets of needles I had lost.

I think by Monday I will be done with the yarn portion of the craft closet and can get started on the fabric portion. Then I can go through the piles in the rest of the room, and those won't take nearly as long, maybe a day for each.

Meanwhile, I have done a little bit of shopping. Taking the time, on the days I have the car, to scour Goodwill has paid off with two dark knee-length skirts, one pair of black trousers, one pair of beige linen trousers, three sleeveless shells (black, red and turquoise), a green silk long-sleeved blouse and a black-and-camel tartan short-sleeved blouse. Still no sign of a decent-fitting black blazer. I will probably have to break down and make one myself, which will mean taking that tailoring book back out of the library. I also have to put some shaping into the green blouse and take the waists in on the skirts and trousers.

I also need to alter three or four button-downs that I have, remove the pleats from the charcoal wool trousers I have for my Hogwarts uniform, and find another white button-down that doesn't have that split V-neck thing going on that women's button-downs always seem to have, because you can't wear a tie with one of those things and my old Hogwarts uniform shirt has been donated. It was a medium. It is to laugh. Also I should suck it up, frog my mostly-completed Hogwarts jumper, and reknit it in a 42" chest. When I started it, 40" had some ease. It doesn't anymore.

And I need to find a half slip to wear with the unlined skirt. And probably also find a summery printed type of skirt and make a light-colored blazer I can wear with that and the linen trousers. And maybe take the pleats out of the front of the linen trousers because seriously, pleats do no one's gut any favors.

Also I need new hose. Whether they will be stockings or pantyhose I have not yet determined but I need new ones; the old ones are too little, except the fishnet stockings which are remarkably elastic. And if I do stockings then I need a beige garter belt. I have a little white one, but it is really too small and makes a strange dent in the sides of my hips.

Also: shoes. I almost spent $35 on a pair of taupe leather almond-toe mid-heel pumps at T.J. Maxx today. They were so classic and sophisticated. But I just cannot spend that much on a pair of shoes until I get a job. I do have a pair of low black pumps but the toes are slightly damaged and they really don't fit well enough to be worth repairing. They will work for interviews for the time being.

And I need to get four links taken out of my watch. Did I mention my wrists are still 5 1/2" around? Yeah.

Anyway, I am also trying to find a couple pairs of shorts, because the last time I bought a pair I was a size 10 so those are gone. And I should probably get a belt and a couple pieces of cheap jewellery.

Anyway, all of this stuff has to be put off until I have the craft stuff organized. There is no point in trying to figure out my sewing machine if I can't actually get to the chair to sit down at it. So tonight I will be in front of the TV some more, untangling and rewinding some more yarn.
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
So my doctor and I talked about it and decided I needed to go down to 10mg a day, but they don't make a 10mg dose of Ritalin SR (or the generic equivalent) so here I am on Ritalin LA. There is some badness with that about the patent not expiring until 2015 so I have to pay $140 a month for this shit, but I'm going to call my dad tonight and see if he will help me with that, because this stuff? This stuff works.

I have been meaning to start making diary posts for it but I keep getting distracted by all the chores I'm getting done.

Wednesday was my first day on it. I got up and immediately spent two hours cleaning out my closet, then I decided to take a 20-minute break for lunch.

And then I actually went back to work after my 20 minutes were up. And spent another 3 hours cleaning out my closet.

Now. Just to make y'all understand how monumental this is. Okay. Here is the thing. We moved in here in June, I had bags of clothing (some on hangers, some just kind of shoved in the bags) that I had hauled up the stairs and unceremoniously dumped on the floor of the closet. Periodically I would dig through them to find some specific thing and then just leave everything strewn around. When we did laundry, I dropped my clean clothes on top of the pile rather than fold/hang them and put them away. For the last nine months I have been saying I'm "going" to pick the shit up and put it away. On Wednesday I got up, and not only did I pick the shit up, I only put away what actually fit and bagged up the rest to donate (or toss, as in the case of holey socks and underwear that nobody is ever going to want, ever).

Then I organized my dresser.

On Thursday I did all the backed-up laundry. And changed the sheets on the bed. And put everything away. And hand-washed everything that needed to be hand-washed.

Today I got up and paid the bills. Then I hauled out my planner and changed out the dates for most of the rest of the year. (I got stuck partway through October; I'm missing some refill pages so I'm going to have to poach them from another month or something.) Then I cleaned the microwave and the stove and the little thingies under the burners and the counter on that side of the kitchen and believe me, that is not as little an amount of work as it sounds, because that stuff had not been cleaned in a long damn time. And I emptied the dishwasher.

OH MY GOD, I FORGOT TO MENTION: Today I got up and MADE THE BED. I got up and was like, awww, it looks sad, I'll make it pretty. !!! ME. I MADE THE BED. ON PURPOSE. I think the last time I voluntarily made a bed on a day I WASN'T changing the sheets was in elementary school.


What is this I don't even

Y'all, I'm kind of afraid of what's going to happen when I get the entire apartment cleaned and organized and there isn't enough work around here to do this much every day. I'm gonna have to get a job then or I'll go effing stir-crazy. If I haven't found anything yet, maybe I can volunteer or something.

But! This is awesome. I feel so great. I feel like I am back in touch with the neat-freak five-year-old I used to be. It just makes me so much happier to look at my stuff and see that it's organized than to look at piles of things that don't have a home.

Which is what's going on here in the computer/craft room. But I will get working on that tomorrow. Right now I have to go organize the linen shelf. There are sheets and towels strewn all over the place like I don't even know what-all.
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
Actual thought I just had: "I know I took my old tampon out, but did I remember to put a new one in...?"
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
Someone said to me, a while back, "I'm not ADHD". Well, I say "someone", actually many, many different people have said it to me, up to and including my own father.

This post is not so much about the experience of living with ADHD as the experience of advocating about it and for better understanding of it.

This is the thing: no one is ADHD. I am not Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Primarily Inattentive. It is a disability I have, not something that I am.

This is that same old thing I like to complain about with everything. Every damn thing that there is, I say this about: It is not who I am. It does not define me. Or them, or us, or whoever.

This is why we say people of size, people of color, people with disabilities.*

I am not ADHD. I have ADHD. I am a person with ADHD.

This is also a reason I don't call myself an "ADDer". (Another reason: I think it sounds ridiculous.)

I'm not--if I'm talking to you in this post, I want you to know that I'm not mad at you. Please do not be hurt or worry that I don't like you anymore. It's just, you have to understand: I am not my disability. It does not define me. When you say that someone "is" ADHD, you have erased the person from the equation--you have transformed hir into this one aspect of hirself. Zie is more than that, zie is bigger than that.

Plus it just does not make logical or grammatical sense. Other things I have, but am not: blue eyes, enormous breasts, long fingers and toes, a love of reading, a talent for working with my hands in small and complex ways, a goofy and sarcastic sense of humor, hyperlax joints.

I am not ADHD. I am a person with ADHD.

* It takes a slightly different form for "gay, lesbian and bisexual people" as opposed to "gays, lesbians and bisexuals". Or as I tend to lump us all together: "queer people" instead of "queers".
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
..."for which to stay tuned", I know. Shut up.

So I am working up a couple of things to post about over the coming week. There'll definitely be another ADD Blogging soon; I want to talk about "I'm not ADHD", "I didn't know you were ADHD", that whole thing.

Thing #2: moar Twilight blogging. I think I am sufficiently recovered from the last time I did it, y'all. I'm gonna wade back in again.

And speaking of problematic books I'm reading, when I finish Homeland I'm going to have to post about the drow. Because y'all, as interesting as this book is, and as much as I'm enjoying it on one level--on another, the whole thing is an MRA fantasy. So stay tuned for that.

Finally, at some point in the future, expect to see the definitive post on The Slytherin Case For Social Justice. (Yes, there is one.) I am tired of people giving me shit about being an activist and identifying with Slytherin when any fool can see--well, all the stuff I'm going to put in the post.
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
When I was five years old, I was the most organized child on the fucking planet. Everything I owned was perfectly put away, everything I did was in order, my bed got made every day, when I got out my crayons I laid them out by color and put each one back in its place when I picked up another.

It has recently become clear to me that this was because I had no other responsibilities.

And people will say, oh well, you don't have a job and you're not in school so you don't have any other responsibilities now, but that simply isn't true.

Here are the responsibilities I have every day:

I have to decide when to get up. I have to decide when to go to bed.

I have to decide when to eat, decide what to eat, and prepare or purchase it.

I have to remember to shower and brush my teeth.

I have to choose my clothing and dress myself.

I have to manage my time and schedule my activities; no one tells me when it's time to play and when it's time to do chores and when it's time to go to grandma's house.

I have to answer the telephone. (For someone with phone anxiety this is NO SMALL THING LET ME TELL YOU.)

Everyone has these responsibilities--all legally competent adults, that is. And that's fine, you know, these are things that need to be done and it certainly isn't anyone else's responsibility to do them for me but.

I do not do all these things every day. It's too much, I'm too scattered. Some of it is my depression but some of it is my simple inability to manage time. I have no idea how long an hour is. I have no idea how long it takes me to do anything.

When I was in college, the one semester when I passed all my classes (or maybe it was all but one; I can't remember), I was:

- not working
- taking only 9 credit hours
- medicated for my depression and anxiety

It is abundantly clear to me that I was never able and may never be able to go to school full-time. Not successfully. It is not too much for most people. It is too much for me.

I am seeing it now, the feeling that I had when I would decide not to go to all my classes, it wasn't just the fear (although yes some of it was definitely the fear), it was seeing this enormous block of time every day completely taken up by classes and getting just totally overwhelmed and going, no, this is too much for one day.

It's not even the amount of time, necessarily; it's that--I don't want to go more than one place in a day, not on a regular basis. Let me go and do one thing. That's enough.

This is why I was not in any extracurricular activities for any length of time.

When I was in elementary school, I began to lose my ability to stay organized. There was too much going on. It only got worse as I got older.

In high school my teachers all knew I was so smart, they gave me special treatment; I got cut slack for things that other kids wouldn't have, and it saved my ass on a daily fucking basis. I cannot even remember most of it happening but when I was going through my school records for my therapist a couple years ago, it became apparent that every semester, in at least half my classes, there were little notes from my mother to my teachers, which went like this:

Dear So-and-So,

Here are all [slythwolf]'s assignments from this semester. It turned out they were in her math folder. She thought, when she couldn't find them, that she must have already turned them in.

They would give me half credit for this stuff, sometimes even full credit. I got As in these classes. Because they knew how smart I was. Because they knew my learning the information was totally divorced from my doing the homework.

This is a rule of thumb: if I can finish an assignment in class while the professor is explaining it, I will remember to finish it and turn it in. Otherwise, I will forget to turn it in, lose it, or forget to do it at all.

Asking me to learn something is one thing; that's easy. You want to take up my time with more stuff to do? I have to structure it myself and remember where I put it? Listen, buddy, you're lucky I showed up to school on time this morning.

And when I moved out of my parents' house, and my entire daily routine became my responsibliity, I could no longer even do that. Perpetually late everywhere everywhere because without someone to remind me when it's time to get ready, I don't allow myself enough time to get there.

If I am not late, I am ridiculously early. That usually happens with things I am very very excited about. Like being ready for Homecoming about four hours before it was supposed to start. No sense of time.

So I have figured this out: I can do one thing at a time. One thing as defined by me. I can focus on keeping the apartment decent, or I can focus on keeping myself alive and clean, or I can focus on finding a job.

And this is what sucks about it, because I have to keep myself clean and presentable and in decent shape or I am not going to find a job. That's why I am trying to work on getting into a routine, so it's no longer something I have to think about. But the trouble I have is that there are people in my life who feel that it is their duty to "help" me focus on job-hunting by nagging at me every time they think I'm not getting anywhere fast enough.

It's too much. This is what people without ADHD do not understand: too much for me is a lot less than it is for you. My brain can't handle it. Too much to process. Shut down.
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
New Year's resolutions. Well, I have by turns embraced and spurned them in the past; they have never served me particularly well, but part of that, I'm sure, is that I have been resolving too ambitiously. Baby steps, people. Baby steps to the baby steps or this Wolf's ADHD takes one look and gets overwhelmed. Then I spend the whole year with my paws in my generously furry ears going "La la la la la I can't hear you! Gonna read this fanfic instead."

This year, however, there is a bunch of shit I need to get on the stick about, and if I don't, the consequences are gonna be more dire than "oops I spent all year fucking off playing video games."

So. A Resolution Exhorting the Wolf to Get Her Shit Together, Get Off Her Tail and Get Shit Done.

WHEREAS, The Wolf and her intrepid Nigel are broke as shit and need to pay their fucking rent; and

WHEREAS, The Wolf's Nigel has a rare form of muscular dystrophy seen in fewer than 1 in 15,000 people, which causes him a metric fuckload of trouble every which way he turns, no matter what kind of a job it is he's trying to do; and

WHEREAS, The Wolf types 95 fucking words per minute and is the Organization Queen while at work; and

WHEREAS, The Wolf has three years of retail experience and an ability to make excellent snap decisions to keep the team moving; and

WHEREAS, The Wolf has current access to her monthly Ritalin prescription; now, therefore, be it

RESOLVED, That the Wolf will take her fucking medication not fewer than six days out of every seven; and be it

FURTHER RESOLVED, That the Wolf will get either one full-time job or two part-time ones, or will resume attending school on a full-time schedule.
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
Seriously, I am losing it. Less than a minute ago I thought of something I wanted to post about and now it is GONE.

A Thought

Oct. 16th, 2009 02:38 pm
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
When I am on my Ritalin, I get ridiculously chatty and long-winded. More so than usual, I mean.

By the time November rolls around, I will be on my Ritalin again.

This year's NaNoWriMo is totally in the bag.
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
This week I have gotten almost nothing done.

This is unsurprising to me. Nigel is gone, and when Nigel is gone I don't know a single human being in a 20-mile radius, and I get depressed about being in the apartment alone and not having any social contact and missing Nigel and knowing that anything that might happen I have to take care of completely on my own.

Last time he was gone, I didn't do any of the dishes until the day before he came back. At first I was too depressed, then I hurt my knee and couldn't stand up long enough, then there were so many dishes in the sink I was just overwhelmed.

I'm trying not to let that happen this time. To that end, I have created and printed about 20 copies of a weekly task checklist table, with a list of all the tasks I need to accomplish every day and space to check them off for each day of the week, including a list item for "weekly chore" and a breakdown by day of which weekly chore it is then my responsibility to do (like cleaning the toilets or vacuuming). Also on the list are items like "shower" and "brush teeth", partially because when I am very depressed I totally forget to do those things, and partially because they're much easier for me than the list item "phone calls" (representing any telephone calls I need to make or answer that day) and it will be even more depressing if I have made this thing and then start going to bed at night with no items checked off.

I made this list on Wednesday. Today I finally got around to printing it off. Now I have to find a clipboard I can put my 20 copies on (that I'm not going to steal from it for drawing purposes) and find a place for it to live so I can consult it multiple times a day.

I made it to look kind of like the similar checklist tables we had at my old work, in an effort to convince myself that this is a "job" I have to do, so I won't blow it all off.

Other things I have actually gotten done this week include going to the bank (to cash the check my dad sent me to cover my bills) and actually paying my bills on time, so I'm proud of myself for that. Now I have to get my Plan FIRST! (the Michigan contraception coverage program for poor people like me) redetermination application completed and in the mail on time. This is slightly harder, because I have to ask Nigel what his Social Security number is for it now that he's my spouse, and because it says I have to send proof of citizenship and I'm not exactly sure what they mean by that but my dad will know if they want a copy of my Social Security card or my birth certificate or what.

I also need to figure out what number I should put down for what Nigel grosses a month. Right now, having completed his orientation, he's getting paid $50 a day to sit in a hotel and wait for his trainer to show up to take him out on the road, at which point he will be making $350 a week for a month or a month and a half, and then he'll be making $.24 a mile. So I think I'm probably supposed to put the $350 a week number and report a change when it happens--or maybe it will be like when I originally applied for this thing and they told me I didn't need to report any changes. Which is kind of weird, I don't know.

I don't know if they're even going to continue my coverage. We probably make too much money now. Not that we've seen a dime of it yet, or will for a bit; Nigel's first few paychecks are going to come in the mail but I'm pretty sure there's no way I can cash them when he's not here. After that we get direct deposit, which will be a lot easier for both of us, but in the know?

Anyway, after 90 days we'll have health insurance, which is all well and good but it probably means we're going to have to pay for my birth control out of pocket until then. Which we can swing, once he starts getting paid his full amount, but not so much right now. Something else my dad is probably going to have to help out with.

So, my checklists have finished printing and I need to turn off Nigel's computer and find them a home. I also need to take out the trash today and go to the grocery store, unless I want to eat nothing but ramen, ice cream and twice-baked potatoes for the rest of the day. Which I did yesterday. I need fruits and vegetables.

I also need to figure out what to spend the $30 on that I got back from returning the underwear my sister gave me for my birthday. I was going to buy a bra, but I'm going to end up spending more than that if I do, especially with shipping, so I might as well just stick it out a little longer until Nigel is making his full mile amount and I can just get everything I need. So now I have this $30 that I'm not entirely sure what to do with. I kind of want to buy yarn, or fabric, or a book on knitted lace to help me design the badass shawl I want to make my mom for her 60th birthday, or the stuff I'll need (fishnets, etc.) to round out this black dress I want to goth out in for the Niles Haunted House, or books I haven't read. I will figure it out but it will probably be Christmas by the time I do.


Aug. 3rd, 2009 03:31 am
slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
Except for the part where this is actually NOT FUNNY.

I am attempting to use coffee to pick up the slack of the ADHD meds I can't get right now.

The problem is, without my Ritalin, I can't remember to make coffee in the morning.

slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)
or How to Tell You Really Need That Medication

I have run out of my meds. Well, okay, I have one pill left, but I'm saving it for a day I really need to get a lot of stuff done so I'll be able to.

See, I moved about a month ago; I moved two and a half hours away from where I had lived. I moved because my husband has a new job, and because of his new job and our new income and--oh yeah--the fact that I live in a different county, I no longer qualify for the county health coverage I was using.

His employee health plan has not kicked in yet.

Also, I have not found a new doctor, because I'm holding off on that until I can figure out which of the local ones will actually take our insurance.

Now, my prescription is one of the ones that, for instance, the Walmart pharmacy sells for something like $4, because it is a generic that a lot of kids need and Walmart--despite its many failings--understands that some people are poor. (Of course they understand it, it's the basic truth they exploit to stay in business with their evil, evil corporate practices; "What are you gonna do about it?" they sneer. "You can't afford to pay for fair trade anyway!" But I digress.)

So if I were able to get to my old doctor's office and pick up the actual piece of paper and then bring it to the Walmart down here, I could get my meds. But that's just not possible. And because it is a federally controlled substance, I can't have them call it in, or give me a prescription with a bunch of refills that I could transfer down here.

So I am without my meds until we have insurance. And I can't concentrate on anything.

I have a jillion things I could be doing, some of them things that need to be done, and I? Cannot remember any of them. Instead I sit on Facebook playing a bunch of silly little games and thinking about how bored I am.

That's not entirely accurate. I did fit my skirt sloper today. I was supposed to have done it about five days ago, but at least I got to it. (Okay, so what I actually did was fit my skirt sloper and effectively turn it into a pencil skirt pattern. That's all I'm going to be using it for anyway; if I want a fuller skirt, I already know how to make those.)

Meanwhile, tomorrow I start working out. In the past, working out first thing in the morning has energized me and filled me with a sense of purpose for the rest of the day. That plus caffeine might just pick up the slack for my absent meds until I can get them again.

But I'll tell you this: When my husband asked if I thought not having my medication "might" affect my ability to get a job, I just laughed at him.


slythwolf: Some unlucky soul has an incomplete Pai Sho set. (Default)

October 2012



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